Chicken Wings

You’re probably not ready for this, but we can’t go on protecting you forever.

Sunday, April 16, 2006, we were doing what we always do- making wings while eating Cool Ranch. Steve was separating the wings and the drumettes, and as this is a two-handed job involving the threat of salmonella I was putting the Doritos in his mouth. We looked at each other and both knew what we had to do without saying it, although for the benefit of posterity this is what we thought to each other: chicken wings breaded in crushed Cool Ranch Doritos and then deep fried. This was the beginning of Cool Ranch de los Muertos, the wing phenomenon sweeping the country- litrally.

From the rankest slums of San Francisco’s Mission District to the pristine waters of Lake Tahoe, Cool Ranch de los Muertos rules you.

Cool Ranch de los Muertos is the current culmination of a lifetime of wing eating and preparation, and more specifically of a year of intensive experimentation in the kitchen. It should be clear that as far as we’re concerned “there are no secret recipes here.” This is bigger than us and it belongs to everyone. It should also be clear that there are actually no recipes at all, secret or otherwise. For us the wings are a matter of pure taste instinct.  But we have some guidelines that may help.

• Use fresh wings, as opposed to frozen. Besides tasting funny and generally being of lower quality (ie nasty looking) frozen wings can have skin with the texture of paper
• Crush the Cool Ranch as finely as possible as it will adhere better to the wing
• Bread just one side of the wing-this makes the wing a bit lighter (relatively speaking) and provides a nice contrast of textures between the two sides
• Fry in small batches at a sufficiently hot temperature- this prevents sogginess, as large batches tend to bring down the oil temperature
• As far as sauce, ours is simple yet perfect. We first melt a lot of butter, adding chopped fresh garlic.
• Then comes the Jufran (Hot version), a sweet and slightly spicy Vietnames banana sauce. It can be hard to come by, and there are other sweet and spicy Asian sauces, but THEY ARE NOT RECOMMENDED. If you have trouble getting Jufran, simply contact us through Letters in Order and we will send you some. Seriously, it makes a big difference
• The Jufran is thick, and once it has decoagulated you can add the hot sauce. Any will do, although we prefer Frank’s. By adding the Franks last, you can adjust the sauce for spiciness to taste and also by judging the color of the sauce.
• Avoid the pre-made wing sauces- stick with straight hot sauce
• Salt and pepper to taste.
• Eat immediately

We would like to hear about your experiences with Cool Ranch de los Muertos. Send any stories and/or photos to lettersinorder@gmail.com